Special Cookies
by TamiLove
Summary: "By the way, children. Those cookies were laced with some part of an experiment that wacky nut job, Dr Mefesto brought over earlier. I don't know what's in 'em and I don't know what they do." Mr Garrison said, flipping to the last page of his book just as the bell rang. He looked up at their stunned faces and smirked. "Class dismissed." Rated M cause I want it to!
1. Chapter 1

**Greetings and salutations fellow creatures of planet Earth! It is I, TamiLove with yet another South Park creation! This idea has been in my head for a while, so I was hoping that in publishing this, I would have more room in my brain follicles for the progression of my other stories (those of which, ****if you haven't already introduced your beautiful minds to, please do!) Urmm... yeah that's about it. ****  
**

**This story will be rated M, because, why the hell not. There will be slash in both directions in this story as well as straight pairings (ewww) lol! uhh.. Swearing and racist terms are abundant but then again this is South Park, please don't take some of the words and phrases here to heart. I dunno what else.. I'll place at the beginning of each chapter the weird shit that goes on, mmkay? **

**I don't own South Park! That's all Trey and Matt~ **

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"Move it Jew!" Eric Cartman's loud obnoxious twang filled the classroom as the teenagers filed in. He shoved the lanky ginger Jew roughly, bending the boy over his desk and making him drop the few notebooks in his hands onto the floor.

"Damnit Cartman!" Kyle shouted irritably. The redhead turned and scowled at him, lashing out and forcing the taller boy backwards, accidentally pushing Wendy as she marched around them.

"Cool it you two!" She growled, pushing Cartman out of her way and plopping down in her seat behind them. Cartman tripped once again, shoving Kyle over his desk and making him drop the notebooks he'd just picked back up.

"Damnit Wendy!" Kyle scowled, forcing the taller boy off him and rolling his eyes.

"Yeah, how about you calm your fuckin tits ho!" The brunette shouted, his finger pointed in the smirking girl's beautiful face.

"Watch it fatboy." A hand came from behind, swatting away his finger. Cartman smacked his lips and turned around.

"Goddamnit Stan you fuckin hippie, why don't you pull your faggy face out of Wendy's infested ass and take a fucking look." He ripped off his red leather jacket and motioned to the abdomen of his skin tight black teeshirt. "I'm not fat!" Stan rolled his eyes and patted the boy's flat stomach.

"You'll always be a fatass to me."

"And how do you call him a fag then say he gets ass? It doesn't make sense." Kyle asked as both boys took their seats; Stan behind Kyle and Cartman in front of Wendy.

"You dont have to rush to your little boyfriend's aid, Khyle. It doesn't matter if he gets ass. Like how I'll always be a fatass to him, he'll always be a faggot to me." Stan and Cartman exchanged a sarcastic friendly smile.

"Wait, weren't you the one who had Butters dick in your mouth?" Kyle asked, tapping his chin with his finger curiously.

"Oh my god Khyle, how fucking long ago was that?" Cartman sighed. He shrugged.

"Doesn't matter, still sucked."

"Yeah well, you and Stan are still conjoined by the dick and that's why you're both fags."

"You talk about them an awful lot, Cartman. Are you sure you're not jealous or something?" Token asked with a smirk.

"What's there to be jealous of? Those two and their faggy little bromance? Please."

"Poor Eric, Stan's taking up all your Jew time and you just don't know how to cope." Bebe sat on his desk and patted the side of his face sympathetically. Cartman held her hand in both of his own and wiped away a fake tear.

"Sometimes I think you're the only one who gets me Bebe. I don't even have to explain for you to know exactly how I feel." The blonde girl laughed and rustled his hair fondly.

"You know I try, sugar lump." A voice scoffed in the background, Cartman turned and smiled, realizing where the sound had come from.

"I'm sorry Heidi, did you say something? I couldn't hear you that well. Maybe some of that bitch eroding off you got stuck in my ears or something." The brown haired girl looked up at him irritably.

"Fuck off, jockstrap. I'm not in the fucking mood."

"From what I remember you were defiantly in the mood last Friday at Bebe's party." He said with a smirk. "What's wrong darlin, somebody forgot to pull out?"

He watched, looking quite entertained as Heidi turned completely red, stood up and marched silently out of the room.

"Cartman, you're a fucking asshole." Kyle sighed from beside him. The brunette smacked his lips.

"Why am I the asshole? She started it!" Kyle rolled his eyes and sighed again.

"You still didn't have to say that."

"Whatever, stupid assed kyke." Cartman growled in his seat. He flinched when a random notebook made impact with the side of his face. Kyle was glaring at him from his seat.

"Quit calling me a kyke, you fat tub of shit!" Cartman threw the notebook back at him.

"Fuck off ya greedy Jew-kyke!"

"Get bent Cartman!"

"Suck my balls Khyle!"

"Damnit will you two useless bastards just shut the hell up?!" Mr Garrison said as he finally stepped into the classroom, a cup of coffee in one hand, a small novel with two half naked men on the cover in another. He plopped down in his chair and lifted his feet up on his desk, flipping to the middle page of the book. Without looking up he continued, "You would think that after six goddamn years you two would shut up and fuck each other or at least make up better insults. If you can't even do this much, then I suggest you both take a full clip to the brain as soon as fucking possible or I'll do it for you."

Kyle and Cartman exchanged a brief glance before looking away from each other, red tints growing on both their cheeks. The room was quiet for a few brief moments before a voice came over the loudspeaker.

"Mr. Garrison, please come to the principals' office, mmkay? Mr. Garrison, to the principals' office."

"Goddamnit. Stay in your seats you miserable sacks of shit. I'll be right back." The man said, dropping his book and pushing out of his chair.

"What the hell do you want?" He asked the moment he walked through the doors of Principal Victoria's office.

"Mr. Garrison, Dr Mepesto, here, said he had a proposition for you. It involves the students in your class, mmkay?" Mr. Macky, the school councilor said as the elderly man stepped forward from the darkest corner of the room.

"What the hell do you want with those little shitbags?" Garrison asked irritably, folding his arms in front of his chest.

"Well, Mr. Garrison, I am currently working on a little experiment that I'd like to test on a few of your students." The wrinkled, tanned man said with a polite smile.

"Will it kill them?" Mr. Garrison asked bluntly.

"No?" Mephesto answered, confusion taking over his withered features.

"Can you make somethin that will?"

"Mr. Garrison, for the last time, killing those students won't get you out of your contract with us. You'll just get a new batch of students every time you kill those ones so it would be better that you just accept that." Principal Victoria reprimanded from behind her desk. Mr. Garrison grimaced at her, pointing a single finger in her direction.

"You shut the hell up. Fucking bitch..."

"Anyway, as I was saying…" Dr. Mephesto began, uncomfortably. Mr. Garrison waved him off.

"Yeah I don't really give a fuck, do whatever you want to the little bastards. Can't make 'em any dumber." The elders face lit up.

"Splendid! Well I'll just have you hand out these to your class and call me tomorrow with the results." He pulled a grocery bag from his inner coat pocket and handed it to the curious man.

"Cookies? Why the hell should I give them cookies?"

"They're not regular cookies Mr. Garrison. They've been laced with a concoction I've spent the last five years working on. They're the best outcomes of my most ingenious experiment!"

"Sure whatever." Mr. Garrison shrugged and headed for the door. He paused.

"Do these have crack or somthin in 'em? Cause several of my kids are in rehab and this won't go over well with some of their probation officers if they-"

"There are no illegal substances in these cookies." Mephesto sighed immediately. Garrison looked from the man to the cookies in his hand and back again.

"Yeah, whatever." He shrugged, walking out of the room.

"Here class. Eat these." Mr. Garrison tossed the bag into the throng of students, all sitting on each others desks and chatting noisily. Stan caught it and looked at the teacher suspiciously.

"What's in 'em?" He asked warily, pulling out one of the small vanilla wafer-like treats and sniffing it.

"Do you want the damn cookies or not?" Mr. Garrison snapped from behind his desk, face buried in his book. The students all looked at one another questionably.

"Fuck it, I want one." Cartman gave in. Stan tossed him the open bag and laughed.

"Same old fatass."

"Yeah, yeah." He said, grabbing a couple and tossing the bag back.

"Here, you want one Kyle?" Stan asked, holding the bag up and munching on the cookie in his hand.

"No dude. I'm diabetic remember?"

"Yeah I remember, but I also remember you eating that whole fucking chocolate cake at Token's Christmas party."

"Yeah and my doctor had an absolute fit. She said she'd choke the shit out of me if I ever ate another sweet in my life." A few of the guys laughed and Stan shrugged.

"Suit yourself." Stan tossed the bag to Kenny who'd just strolled into the classroom.

"Why thank you, Stanley. I knew you had wife potential somewhere in there." He joked, peeking through the bag and picking out several cookies.

"Those are for everyone dick. Don't go hoggin em all."

"Fine." Kenny sighed dramatically.

"Pass it back that way." Kenny shrugged and looked back.

"Hey Craig, you want?" He shouted over the music of the boy's guitar. He'd been openly strumming since class started. He shook his head no.

"I'm good." Kenny nodded understandingly and held the bag up to the small fidgety blonde sitting beside him.

"Tweek?"

"Uh… No? I mean yes? I mean hi? I don't- GAH TOO MUCH PRESSURE!" Craig stopped playing and leaned over slightly, slapping the boy in the back of the head and oddly enough calming him down instantly.

"Tweek just eat the goddamn cookie." He rolled his eyes and continued strumming softly.

"Right." He said, grabbing a single cookie from the bag.

"Clyde?" Kenny twirled on the desk to see Clyde face deep in a twelve pack of taco bell as he was every morning. The boy looked hesitant but shook his head no.

"Nah I'm good." He waved the bag off.

"Really?" Kenny asked, unbelieving.

"Messes with the flavor." He said, nodding and pointing to the hardshell on his desk. Stan shrugged.

"Toke?" He asked. The dark skinned boy didn't respond, too immersed in the music blasting through his headphones. A mischievous smirk played on Clyde's lips and he wiped his hands with a napkin. He grabbed the bag from Kenny slowly, hoping not to alert the boy sitting in front of him. The blonde grinned, realizing the boy's motive and shushed everyone around them. Clyde grabbed a handful of cookies, silently sliding closer to the unknowing teen. He pounced, grabbing Token by the top of the head and pulling him backwards onto his own desk, stuffing the cookies in his mouth and keeping his hands in place so that he didn't spit them out. The classroom erupted into laughter as the brown skinned boy struggled briefly before realizing his friend was behind it all, then lashing out angrily and the grinning teen.

"Damnit!- Clyde you- fucking asshole!" Token managed between coughs.

"My bad dude! You were just so damn out of it I couldn't help it!" Clyde managed, wiping tears from his eyes. Token glared and wiped his mouth on his sleeve.

"Fucking dick! Im not buying you anymore fucking tacos ever!" Clyde's laughter immediately subsided and his eyes grew to the size of saucers.

"No! Token! I'm sorry! Take me back! I didn't mean it! I won't do it ever again!" Clyde begged leaning over his desk and gently tugging on Tokens hoodie.

"No dude. You fucked up. It's over!"

"No! No this- you can't! Don't take away my tacos bro! I can't live without you… buying me tacos! I'll do whatever you want! Whenever you want! I'll be a better man!" Clyde choked out, pulling the boys hood fiercely now, trying to force him to look his way.

"Wow… Token, just forgive him." Red said, patting the sobbing brunette on the back.

"Poor Clyde." Bebe added in. "It's okay sweetie, I'll buy you tacos in the morning."

"No! It's not the same! I only want you, Toke- to buy me tacos in the mornings and afterschool and on the weekends!"

"No Clyde! I'm tired of you and your shit! No more tacos and no more rides to school. Walk your funny ass to class every day!"

"Toke… But I love you- buying me tacos and giving me rides to school! You can't take away everything we've got just because of one mistake! Don't do this to me! Don't do this to us!"

"Guys. Chill." Stan said, turning back to them and scowling. Things were getting a little too deep over there.

"Oh my god, Bebe get your boobs out of the cookies!" Cartman growled, pushing the voluptuous blonde backwards to grab more cookies.

"I forgot that boobs weren't your thing hun. Sorry." Bebe smirked, slapping him on the ass as he walked away.

"Whatever, bitch." He mumbled through the cookie he held in his front teeth, Bebe grinned and took the cookie from his mouth, popping it into her own.

"Red?" She asked, turning from him and holding out a couple to her friend.

"Nah I'm watchin my weight. You're lucky; all your fat goes straight to your boobs."

"I think that makes everyone lucky." Kenny chucked, pulling Bebe into his lap and squeezing her breasts, earning a surprised squeal from the girl.

"Happy and lucky are two different things."

"Wend?"

"Nah Stan, I'm thinkin of goin on the diet with Red."

"Oh my gosh Wendy, you're like so thin already, I'm scared that if I don't hold on to you the wind will blow you away." Stan sighed, brows furrowing in concern. Cartman scoffed.

"As if, that fat bitch is like a fuckin brick wall to the wind." Kyle chuckled despite himself earning a scowl from his super best friend. Wendy rolled her eyes.

"Says the fatass scarfing down a whole fucking plate of cookies."

"I am NOT FAT!" Cartman shouted, grabbing another cookie from the bag and tossing it into his mouth. Stan shook his head and looked back to his girlfriend.  
"Wendy, you're so perfect the way you are, please just eat one cookie."

"Awwww!" Bebe and Red crooned. Wendy laughed and punched her boyfriend in the arm playfully.

"Fine. But if I get fat you have to promise to still love me."

"Pinky swear." Stan held out his pinky and Wendy merged it with her own before wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing the boy blatantly on the lips.

"Oh my god you guys are gonna make me throw up…"

"Jealous?" Stan said smirking. Kyle scowled and rolled his eyes.

"Dude, I am like so fucking beyond jealous I could just murder you both right now."

"Well Kyle, if you really want to be in a relationship I'd be happy to oblige." Bebe piped in from Kenny's lap.

"Bebe, just because Kyle's a Jew doesn't mean he has money. Go be a slut somewhere else."

"Way to cockblock there Cartman." Kenny laughed, still fondling the girls breasts. Cartman shrugged.

"I do what I can."

"Yeah, no offense Bebe, but I don't think I could keep up with you anyway." Kyle added in, pointing from her to his close friend beneath her. She laughed.

"Well you know where I am if you change your mind, hun." She said with a playful wink.

"Aw jeeze, are all the cookies gone?" Butters asked, coming from seemingly no where.

"Yup." Cartman said, licking his fingers.

"By the way, children. Those cookies were laced with some part of an experiment that wacky nut job, Dr Mefesto brought over earlier. I don't know what's in 'em and I don't know what they do." Mr Garrison said, flipping to the last page of his book just as the bell rang. He looked up at their stunned faces and smirked.

"Class dismissed." He shuffled out of the room, leaving them all to look silently at the door.

"That son of a bitch."

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**Sooooo~~ What do you think was in the cookies? What will they do? What will we do? BWAHAHAHAAA! lol! How did you guys like this chap? Not a whole lot happened but I hope, at least it made you chuckle a bit. I'll update the next chap in a couple hours, maybe it can help you get the feeling of the story. Sooo.. right~! Laters!**

**Kyle: _Soo... Am I gunna be gay in this one too?_**

**Me: _Maybe, my precious._**

**Kyle: _You're kinda weird._**

**Me: _Do you wanna get raped? You know I'll do it bitch!_**

**Kyle: O_O _Not again.._.**

**Me: _That's what I thought. *fondles red locks*_**

**Kyle: _*starts sobbing and knitting*_**


	2. Chapter 2

**Oh my fucking Jesus Christ on a Cracker folks! I am so freaking sorry that this has been updated like sooooooo late! I was gonna update but Xfinity thought just then was the perfect time to turn off my freakin internet so I had to curse them out. Then when I finally got the net back on, I read through the chapter I'd made and I fucking hated it so I had to keep redo-ing it over and over until I hated it a little less. I hope you guys like this shit. I worked really hard but it's still pretty crappy. Tell me how you feel, raise my confidence so I don't gorge myself in chocolate icecream and cut off my hands to keep from writing ever again~!**

**Thanks for all the reviews dudes and dudettes! You're all so freaking sweet, I just loves yas to bits already! Once again, I don't own shit. Trey and Matt, blehbityblahbityboo~**

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"GET THE HELL OFF ME YOU FUCKING SKANK!"

"WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE CALLIN A SKANK?"

"Woah. What the hell was that?" I muttered, peeking out from behind my open locker door, checking out the two people who'd rushed past.

"STANLEY MARSH, GET YOUR ASS BACK OVER HERE!" Wendy shouted, voice echoing off the walls of the hall. I raised my eyebrow. Is it that time of the month already?

"WENDY, WHY DON'T YOU JUST CRAWL BACK UNDER THE BRIDGE YOU CAME FROM?" Stan shouted back, continuing his fast paced walk away from the girl. Oh yeah, defiantly that time…

"Stan-" I started, knowing someone had to break this up. They did this damn near every other week and really it got old a long time ago.

"BITCH! DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO BACK THE FUCK OFF?" students peeked out of their classrooms to see what all the commotion was about. Wendy pushed him in the chest, forcing him into the lockers.

"Woah, that's new…" I said to no one in particular, but continued pulling my notebooks for class out of my locker. Butters jogged in, looking lost and nervous as hell.

"Kyle! Kyle have you seen We-" he stopped and looked past me, seeing Wendy shouting at Stan with her finger in his face, pinning the boy against the wall.

"Oh thank jesus, she seems fine."

"Fine?"

"I kinda hit her with my car earlier…"

"You hit her?! Don't you have a truck?"

"She caught me off guard! Everything was fine, they were just making out in the parking lot like usual then Wendy slapped him. He pushed her in front of my car and stalked off. Scared the bejeebers outta me. She seemed fine though, rolled off the hood and tackled him to the ground. But I just wanted to make sure."

"GODDAMNIT WENDY! GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY FACE!" I turned to see Wendy suspended on the wall with Stan's hand around her throat.

"I said, IT'S OVER BITCH! LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!" He shouted, making me and Butters jump from the sheer fury in his voice.

"Holy shit Stan!" I shouted, slamming my locker closed and rushing to the scene. Before I could get there, Wendy kicked him in the stomach with the heel of her purple stiletto boots. He arched back, releasing the girl and doubling over in pain. Regaining her balance almost instantly, Wendy then kicked him in the face, making him fall on his back in the middle of the linoleum floor. He cringed and moved his hands, letting blood pour from his nose down his face.

"YOU BITCH!"

"IT'S NOT OVER UNTIL I FUCKING SAY SO!" She screamed, digging her heel into his chest. He grabbed her ankle and threw her to the floor. He stood over her menacingly as she sat up on the floor.

"TOUCH ME AGAIN-" He started, bringing his leg back, threatening a kick. I snapped back to reality and lunged forward, grabbing Stan by the back of the shirt, making him fall backwards to the floor.

"OW!" He shouted, grabbing my wrist and threatening to throw me as he had Wendy. I kicked him in the shoulder and sides, hoping he'd release his grip on my hand.

"Holy shit Stan, stop!" I finally brought my foot down into his groin, squeaking a bit when he cried out in pain.

"Shit dude, I'm sorry…" I winced, knowing how much that had to hurt.

"You better hope I don't get up cause when I do, I'm gonna KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS!"

"I know…" I managed weakly, stepping over his limp body and taking off back down the hall. Stan's gonna fucking kill me… I sighed, watching Butters try to take Wendy to the nurse while she just hit him on the chest and refused to move at all. A familiar blonde head scurried past.

"Kenny!" I called out, letting out a relieved sigh when the boy paused and turned around. I trotted down the hall to where Kenny stood, dropping my hand on his shoulder.

"Dude, do you have any idea how screwed I am-" I started, but paused when Kenny pulled from under my hand and inched away from me. What the hell was that?

"D-don't do that." Kenny muttered, looking anywhere but at me and curling into his arms which he had crossed defensively over his chest. I felt my face drop to a scowl.

"What? What the hell's wrong with you?" I watched Kenny look around nervously before glancing up and accidentally catch my gaze, look like he wanted to puke and look away.

"I-I don't know." He mumbled.

"You… don't know?" I tried to hold back my sarcasm, but really? You don't know why you're acting like a fucking retard?

"Stop looking at me like that…" Kenny stepped backwards until his back hit the wall. He leaned against the row of lockers but refused to look up from the floor.

"Ken, you're freakin me out, dude." I said, waiting for him to break out laughing and calling me out for falling for his insane act. I inched closer to him. Kenny writhed, trying to stay as far away from me as possible.

"Ken-" Before I could raise my hand completely to reach out for him, Kenny dropped into a crouch and huddled himself into the corner.

"DON'T TOUCH ME YOU FUCKING PERVERT!"

"Kenny! Stop it!" I shouted grabbing his wrist and pulling him off the floor. His body instantly went limp.

"Ken! Kenny?!" I shook him, trying to wake him up. Hesitantly, I put my finger to his neck.

"Goddamnit! Fucking bastard!" I growled, throwing Kenny's stiff body to the floor. Where the hell is Cartman when you need him? Stupid fatass…

I glanced around the hall, letting my eyes glaze over the other students who were all running amuck, screaming and rocking in corners or singing to themselves and eating parts of the posters on the walls. The school looked even more insane than usual…

I started towards the classroom, dodging kids who were sliding around in their socks or taking swings at each other with baseball bats. All the shit that would usually get them thrown in the principal's office. Where the hell were the teachers anyway? I sighed and peaked inside the classroom, fearing the wrath of Stan. Instead of the six- two quarterback I instead saw no one besides Craig who was sitting on his desk, strumming his guitar softly with his back toward the door.

"Craig!" I called out, entering the classroom. He glanced back but didn't stop playing.

"Sup?" He nodded in greeting.

"Dude, have you seen-" I stopped once I saw the flash of blonde hair bobbing suggestively at the boy's groin. Really? In the classroom? With the door open? Who is that anyway? There aren't that many girls with blonde hair and that's defiantly not Bebe…

"Erm… H-have you seen Cartman?" I asked trying avert my eyes from the scene, but still curiously trying to see who was so bold as to give Craig a blowjob in the middle of the classroom. Craig smirked when he saw me looking.

"No dude. He aint been in here, not that I'd know anyway. Pretty occupied here." He grinned and continued hummed along to his strumming. I rolled my eyes.

"Riiiight… So if you see him-" The blonde's head snapped back.

"GAH! You're so goddamn rude, Kyle! You're breaking my fucking concentration!" The blonde twitched, wiping his mouth and shooting daggers at me from over Craig's shoulder.

"Tweek?" I gaped.

"Who the fuck does it look like, dumbass?"

"Quit bein mean, Tweekers. He's just looking for fatass." Craig growled softly into the blonde's neck, making him burst into wild giggles. Tweek wrapped his arms around Craig's neck before blatantly attacking the boy's pierced lips. I felt my jaw drop. By the time I gained enough sense to look away the two had pulled apart and Craig nibbled hungrily on Tweek's neck. I slapped myself in the face, trying to control the muscles under my left eye that for some reason had gone completely bonkers.

"Go wait for me by my locker." Craig finally murmured. Tweek nodded giving a reluctant, "Fine." Grabbing his backpack and strutting towards the door. He paused when he got to me, glaring out of the corner of his eye.

"Touch him and I'll rip out your fucking asshole." He snarled; no twitch, no stutter. I inwardly cringed but outwardly rolled my eyes and scoffed.

"Yeah, sorry but Craig isn't really my type." Tweek smirked.

"I forgot. You're a chubby chaser."

"What?" I asked, defensively. What the hell would he know about my preferences? And no girl I've ever dated was fat. What the hell does he think he's talking about? I scowled at the blonde who only chuckled and twirled around.

"Nothing, nothing." As soon as his footsteps grew quieter as he strolled further down the hall, I turned around to Craig who was zipping his jeans.

"Dude what the fuck? He'll rip out my asshole? What kind of shit is that? And since when were you two-" Craig laughed softly and swung his guitar strap over his shoulder.

"Dude, don't look at me. I have no fucking idea. I walked in this morning and he was like that. But, hey, he tastes like coffee and caramel syrup. I figure, why not?"

"Riiiiiiiiiiight."

"But about Cartman, I aint seen him since this mornin. He was flippin a shit in his car, but I didn't really think twice about it." I scowled. That really didn't help me at all…

"Was he like pissed or something?" I asked concerned. "I mean, Stan just tried to kick my ass in the locker room. Was it like that?"

"Nah, he was cryin and screamin something about wasted therapy." I looked at him, unbelieving.

"Crying? Dude, I'm talking about Cartman, Eric Cartman. Bout six foot seven, brown douchebag haircut, been in our class since kindergarten?" Craig nodded and laughed.

"Also seen sobbing hysterically in his car this morning like he somebody told him they denied his application for the white supremacists."

"You have to apply to be a white supremacist?" I felt myself asking before I'd thought about it. Craig raised an eyebrow to my question.

"I… have no idea." He said, grinning.

"Are you sure?" I asked, grinning back.

"Why? You thinkin of joinin?"

"Oh yeah, cause I'd defiantly love to see that aneurism Cartman'll have if they accept me and not him." Craig laughed.

"Good looking out. Can't fuck 'im if he's in the hospital."

"Yea- Wait, WHAT!?" Craig just laughed and strolled out of the room.

"Hey Craig! What the hell are you talking-

"Token stop! You already bought me a whole fucking Taco Bell, not to mention the Escalade in the parking lot, a new iphone and a whole fucking shitload of clothes and games. What more could I ask for?" Clyde's voice came from the corner. He rounded it and entered the classroom, Token in tow.

"Anything dude! I love you- being happy! Especially when it's so easily achieved through something as simple as money!"

"WENDY GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY FACE!" Wendy came flying into the classroom, crashing into desks and falling on the floor.

"STAN I FUCKING SWEAR TO GOD!" She jumped up and ran at the boy, pushing him through the doorway and into the hall, both of them skidding into the wall of lockers on the hard linoleum floor.

"STOP TOUCHING ME!" Kenny screamed from the hallway. Where- Why does it feel weird to hear Kenny's voice?

"Kenny?" I called out. The blonde glanced over at me and his face instantly fell.

"Oh god, not you! Don't touch me you fucking weirdo!"

"Wha-" I started before Stan stepped in from the hall and grabbed me by the front of the shirt.

"Hey asshole! Don't think I fucking forgot about earlier!"

"But Stan!" I whined stepping back and bumping into Craig. Tweek looked over the boy's shoulder and glared at him.

"Kyle, didn't GAH I just fucking tell you if you touched him I'd rip out your asshole?"

"Tweek, really? I don't fucking want Craig!"

"Why? You think he's not good enough for you? I'm gonna kick your fucking ass Broflovski!"

"Stand in line!"

"Aw shit!" I shouted backing up slowly from the group and bumping into someone.

"Watch where you're going Jew."

I twirled around and sighed, letting the immediate relief rush over me in waves.

"Cartman!" I practically crooned. I didn't care. I was so happy to see that asshole I could've hugged him.

"What the hell?" He scowled obviously taken aback by my enthusiastic greeting.

"Dude, I've never been so goddamn happy to see you in my fucking life." I grinned.

"What?"

"Are you alright?" I asked, standing and placing a hand on the boy's jacket sleeve. Cartman swatted my hand away and inched stepped back.

"Why the hell wouldn't I be alright Jew?" I sighed in relief once again. He was even acting like himself!

"Dude, everybody else in the school has lost their fucking minds and I feel like I work in a fucking psyche ward! Stan and Wendy are at each others throats and Stan wants to kick everybody's ass, Tweek's tongue is stuck down Craig's throat and for some reason thinks' I want a piece, Kenny's acting like a nun who got molested on the train, and Token's practically buying Clyde!" with every completed thought, I felt my voice rise higher. "It's fucking insane in here and I can't fucking breathe anymore because I've been running around like Tigger on crack and I was looking for you but no one could find you and I thought you'd come in crazy as hell like everybody else but you seem fine so I guess I was worried for nothing, not that I was worried because I still hate you even though it's not that many of us actually left making sense around here but I guess I could go talking to some of the kids actually acting normal but I don't know them like that and they kinda creep me out-" The sound of skin to skin contact echoed through the hall.

"Better?" Cartman asked, palm still suspended in the air. My breathing slowed and I cupped my throbbing jaw. I nodded.

"Very much. Thank you."

"No problem. Now look, you need to chill right now, Kyle. Everybody else is obviously off their shits because of Mephesto's cookies. Now we need to be the smart one's here and keep level heads okay?" What? I blinked and cocked my head to the side in confusion.

"Could you say that again?"

"Are you fucking serious? You weren't even listening?" The Cartman growled. I shook my hand reassuringly.

"You said something in the beginning and I got kinda lost afterwards because of what I thought I heard. Please, fatass?" I can't believe this shit. Did he just say what I think he did? Cartman watched me closely for a second before sighing and looking away.

"I'm not fat goddamnit…" he muttered before sighing harder, "I SAID, You need to chill right now, Kyle. Everybody else is-"

"Wait! What did you just call me?"

"I didn't call you anything you retarded assed Jew! I said, for the last fucking time, that you need to chill right now, Kyle-"

"You said it again! You defiantly did say it! You called me Kyle." I pointed at him and gaped. He did! He totally did just say my fucking name!

"Your name is Kyle, dumbass." He said, scratching the back of his head. It must've been the lighting but I thought I saw a red tint cover his cheeks…

"I didn't know that you knew that. I thought you thought my name was Jew, or kyke or Khyiel." It's true, in all my life the fatass never called me by my name correctly. Cartman rolled his eyes in annoyance.

"Really? Is this really what we're gonna do right now? The whole school's gon batshit but all you can think of is that I pronounced your simple assed name right?" I scowled and looked away a bit embarrassed. He was right but still,

"You never called me by my name before." I mumbled, glancing over when I realized how silent he'd grown. His face was bright red and he watched me with wide eyes.

"Cartman?" I looked at him confused. He snapped out of it and stepped back.

"Damnit!" He turned on his heel and strode away.

"Cartman where are you going?! I still need your help!" I called after him.

"I'm going to the bathroom. Don't follow me unless you want to get fucked in the asshole!" I paused.

"Fucked in the-" I started, confused, repeating the words to see if I'd gotten them right. Tweek laughed from the doorway.

"Did he just threaten to rape you?"

"My head hurts." I scowled leaning against the wall and rubbing my temples.

"Your ass is gonna hurt if you go into that bathroom."

"Shut the hell up Clyde." I growled. He shrugged and leaned against the door frame.

"Have you guys seen Bebe?" Red asked, coming up to them.

"No. Actually."

"Red?" a small voice said from behind her. She turned and a girl hidden under piles of clothes waved at her softly. Her blonde hair was in a messy pony tail at the back of her neck and she wore no make up or jewelery.

"Holy shit. Bebe?" Clyde gasped.

"Yeah. Hey." She smiled meekly.

"Hey? What the hell happened to you this morning, we were supposed to meet for coffee? Did you catch the flu or get hit by homeless shelter? What's going on?" Red twisted the girl around taking in her rather conservative choice of clothing, practically the exact opposite of what she wore usually.

"I was there. I saw you but you were talking to some guy, I didn't know what to say so I wanted to wait for you but then you sat in the middle of the room and there were so many people around…" Bebe? Nervous around people? And guys for that matter? What the hell was in those cookies?

"That guy was the cashier and we always sit in the middle because you like to be seen!"

"I dunno, all those people looking at me… It's weird."

"This is fucking creepy." I muttered, finding myself scowling at the blonde.

"Right. It's like she's dead or something." Craig agreed.

"It's worst than if she was dead! Where the hell are the BOOBS?" Clyde punched the wall.

"You want boobs Clyde? I can get you s-"

"SHUT UP TOKEN!" We all shouted in unison.

"Cartman!" I shouted, standing up and heading toward the teen as he walked towards the room. He locked eyes with me for a moment before instantly turning back around and walking the opposite direction.

"Where are you-" I started, following him.

"Don't fucking follow me!" Cartman shouted, speeding up.

"Why are you running away fatass?" I shouted, straining to match his pace.

"Why are you chasing after me KHYLE?!" Cartman shouted threatening a full-blown run. We'd barely made it halfway down the hall before Craig shouted,

"What the hell are you two doing?"

"Dude stop!" I finally shouted, surprised when actually did stop abruptly, making me swerve back before I knocked into him again.

"I need your help dude, it's only a couple of us not acting like fucking loonies! I need you here to keep me sane!" I pleaded.

"I can't help you Kyle." He spoke softly.

"B-but why?" I whined. He knew how hard it was for me to ask for help, especially his help. Why is he being such a dick? I mean, besides me, him, Craig, Red and Clyde there weren't many other of our crew acting like normal. Just as I was going to express this, Cartman turned, glaring down at me. I tried to step back but was stopped when Cartman grabbed both of my arms and held them firm. I blinked twice hoping this wouldn't go how that little voice in the back of my mind thought it would. Please for the love of god, just punch me… Don't do it Cartman…

"I think I've lost my mind too." He whispered softly, closing the small gap between us until his lips were on mine.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I heard Clyde shout,

"I won! I called Junior year guys! Pay up mothafuckas!"

Making a mental note to take all those assholes' money, I found that all I could really focus on was Cartman, and how soft his lips were. How I should pull back, but I don't want to. So instead I pull him closer, deepening our kiss. My knees feel weak.

I'm so fucking busted.

* * *

**Sooooo~~ Whaddid ya think? Huh-huh? Lol! I thought the whole thing was fucking random as hell and funny. I had to keep going back like, wait what happened there and woah did that really just happen? I hope the ending wasn't too obvious but yeah.. Kyman all the way baby! I'll be adding in more pairings as the story progresses. You should all be mortified... btw: don't think this is the end of the crazy cookie outcomes! Side effects may include, a lot more shit bro. BWEHEHE!**

**Cartman: What the fuck is your problem, ho?**

**Me: Whatcha talkin bout hun? You wanted to kiss Kyle right?**

**Cartman: *blushing* Even if I did, why the hell'd you make me all gay and shit? "I think I've lost my mind too~" What the hell is this? San Fransisco?**

**Me: I'm so sorry baby, I'll defiantly make you more manly in the next chapter!**

**Cartman: That right bitch! Betta respect mah authoritah!**

**Me: Kukuku~**

**Cartman: What the fuck was that?**

**Me: Darlin, could you please try on this here?**

**Cartman: You wouldn't!**

**Me: Oh hell yeah. I defiantly would.**

**Cartman: (O_O)**


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